Breaking Down Your Defense

The emotional wall of defense is a ‘defense mechanisms’ people erect unconsciously to protect themselves from anticipated emotional pain or stress.  According to an anthropologist, Helen Fisher:

 “when a person is in the bathtub with another person, they have removed their "defenses". Therefore, every touch during this time becomes a lot more intimate”.

In other words, when a person creates the commonness that allows him/her to freely:

       -          prefer and take pleasure in involving an opposite sex you are not married to in undoing your zips;

       -          take off or dress up before an opposite sex he/she is not married to;

       -          wear only under wears before an opposite sex;

       -          discuss sex, sexuality and lust inspired stories;

       -          watch x-rated films together;

       -          touch or allow to be touched in sensitive areas;

       -          take his/her bath in the open in public compounds;

       -          bath with an opposite sex you are not married to;

       -          etc

 Such a person has broken down his/her emotional wall of defense. Once this wall is broken down, every word, touch or actions of each actors in such a relationship becomes a lot more intimate, suggestive and instruments for sensual satisfaction.

But the question is how did you or how can one break down his/her defense?  Let us attempt to answer this question by looking at a conversation I overheard somewhere:

Q:  I am a 21 year old Nigerian boy trying to win the heart of a young lady but have been having difficulties. The young lady in question is beautiful, hardworking, and intelligent.  I prefer to call her Obim and the realization that she is still be a virgin really makes me have a crush for her.

The problem however is that no matter how hard I try to get close to her, I always meet with barriers. These barriers/shields are seemingly making Obim hard to get. My quick research on her past revealed that she rarely showed emotion other than the occasional laugh that pups once in a while.  Obim always presents a cold exterior possibly because she went through a horrible early childhood:

-        which left her traumatized,

-        suffered the tragic loss of a parent, and

-        has had a history of poor relations with people in general which has made her to suppress her emotions.

I fear that this might just be reasons why she is mentally withdrawn.  My situation is that I want to break through these barriers to Obim’s heart but the problem however is that I don’t have the slightest idea of  how to go about this. What can I do to counter these barriers?

A:      The “barriers” you speak of can be developed for one or a combination of the reasons below:

Why Build A Defense Mechanisms

-        religious obligation;

-         fear;

-        hurt or the fear of being hurt;

-        lost of a loved one or a friend;

-        pains in general;

-        complex (superiority or inferiority complex);

Features Of Defense Mechanisms

-        they are erected unconsciously;

-        they are adaptive so frequency and mode of operation depends on the prevailing situation;

-        they are erected to protect oneself from anticipated emotional pain;

-        they re-define the personality of the user;

-        conceived to protect one from emotional pain;

-        conceived to keep one from things he/she fears the most;

-        etc

How Can These Defense Mechanisms Be Broken?

According to Erich Fromm, “there is indeed an art to this kind of loving”. By implication, this can be learnt and those who have learnt and know the craft can consciously break down the defense mechanism of others.  The discussion on the motive for this will be reserved for another day but suffix it to say that it can either be used for positively or negatively.

The following are some of the instruments one can use to break down your defense:

-        find out the reason for the defense;

-        make the person feels safe and secure enough to drop defense (allay the fear or pain);

-        identify his/her sets of expectations;

-        present a reassurance for security (satisfy those models and build ‘trust’);

-      present yourself in ways that seems harmless, attractive and prompts someone to drop guard;

-        use empathic understanding and positive regards for others to your advantage;

-        help them to face their fears (stick with them all the way);

-        be who he/she wants you to be (be willing to change);

-        discuss sex, sexuality and lust inspired stories;

-        watch x-rated films together;

-        touch or allow to be touched in sensitive areas;

-        you and an opposite sex always being baptized with darkness;

-        etc

Summary

If this young man implements this life coach has taught him, what do you think will be the fate of Obim?  It is important that you realize that someone can use these instruments negatively (manipulatively) to woo, win, use and dump women at will.  However, I appreciate the fact also that these instruments can be used positively to build a great relationship but it behooves on you to ensure that nobody plays with your feelings.

I say this because you are the only one can drop or break down your wall of defense (that is the barriers you have erected within yourself that obstruct greater intimacy with others).  You are most likely to drop your defense when you have a good reason to believe that you are or will be safe with someone.  So be careful and watch your perceptions, test all spirits (1 John 4:1), use your head before allowing your heart to guide you, define your relationships, add value to yourself, learn from other peoples experience, don’t see the guy or girl as an automated teller machine (ATM), etc.

Having the wrong perception will help you drop or deal with your anticipated pain or fear and subsequently drop your guard. The question however is: ‘what will happen if he/she eventually turns out to be a fraud?’

It is easier for anyone who has not experienced sex to abstain from it and maintain their wall of defense; than it is for a person who has tested sex. For such a person who has tested it, character and discipline is needed to maintain a wall of defense. Are you willing to pay the price?