Whether you refer to it as ‘distant
marriage’, ‘telephone marriage’, ‘love from two cities’ or ‘marriage by proxy’;
we are all referring to the same situation. This is a marriage situation where a
partner is forced to live in a city different from the city the spouse or
family is living in. Some of the reasons that warrant
this marriage situation are:
-
Economic
reasons
-
Health
reasons
-
Education
-
Legal
-
etc
Whatever the reason why you have
a distant marriage today is not a legitimate reason why you should run down
your marriage relationship. Suffice it to say that many marriages have suffered
defeat (loneliness, psychological trauma,
infidelity, heartbreaks, separation, divorce etc) because the spouses are
geographically separated.
I want to share from the
dilemma I had to live with for some years. I must confess you don’t want to be
in my shoes, reason being that the disadvantages of distant marriage I had to
put up with could be frustrating (that is
to say the least). Below are some of the disadvantages I face and how I
managed them:
1. Loneliness: By loneliness I
mean being isolated from a better part of you so to say. This is amazing
because in most cases you are surrounded by people and so much love yet you
feel the ‘loss of companionship’. The
nakedness this situation brings manifests in:
a. inability
to share moments
(joy, pains, defeats, successes etc);
b. no comfort when you need them;
depression and hard times (times when you will only wish this, wish that, blame
yourself, blame your spouse etc);
c. guilt (resulting from your
inability to be there for your spouse, fulfill financial obligations, manage
spouse’s complaints, trauma, tears and most times the resulting ill health,
etc)
d. avoidance of social gatherings
requiring your spouse’s presence;
e. etc
I dealt with this
situation by not allowing it get the better part of me. I made a habit to
entrust everything to God, guide my thoughts by the scriptures (stay positive)
and actively engaging my spouse at any opportunity I could get off work. The
thought of seeing my spouse soonest also gave me strength; so I focus on it and
plan for the meeting (making sure no surprises will hinder it).
2. Real Time Conversations: Real
time conversation is deliberating on issues as they evolve (discussions at the
speed of thoughts). This is not a privilege in distant marriage, the reason
being you cannot see your spouse every day. Not having real time conversations diminishes
intimacy. In real time, the pats on the back, kisses, hug, arguments, romantic
moments, smiles, sharing, etc stimulates intimacy and spices up marriages.
I dealt with this
situation by making up my mind to COMMUNICATE. This determination meant
spending money on long hours of phone calls, video calls where necessary, and
text messages. Our conversations demanded privacy so I did not bother using
chat room or social media (I don’t mean you cannot explore them). The rule
really is for you to stick to what works for you.
3. Expenses: Naturally the
implication of distant marriage is that you are running two homes so every
expense item is done twice. You rent 2 houses, furnish both houses, manage
feeding expense and pay bills in both stations, etc. The effective management
of the marriage relationship also increases your budget for transportation,
telephones and internet accessibility because these instruments build the
bridge between the two geographical divide. Pay attention to this because
finance is one of the guaranteed killers of marriage (especially distant
marriages).
The implication of
these expenses is that it naturally affects the quality of life you provide for
your family. I managed this by ensuring that my spouse had a paid job and we
both devised a saving strategy that worked for us. The term “My Money’ or “Your
Money’ was prohibited in our discussions about money. Rather we pulled
resources and made sure neither of us suffered financially.
4. Different Stroke For Different Folks:
The regular marriage has rules that governs her success, it is important to
understand that these rules may not apply for distant marriages. Realize that distant
marriage differs in many ways in rules and approaches than the regular
marriage. To this effect, I suggest you abide by the following principles:
-
Do
not play hard to get to your spouse,
-
Don’t
intentionally breach communication (no matter how justified you may think you
are),
-
Discuss
your fears, plans, visions, aspirations etc,
-
Trust
your love and feelings for your spouse always,
-
Avoid
third party interference because what is working for them may not work for you,
-
Be
honest always and visibly show commitment to your beliefs, marriage, and your
spouse,
-
Fight
for your love (don’t get entangled in the blame game – I must confess this is
serious business)
-
etc
Work very hard at
these principles because they can potentially ensure your happiness.
5. Fears: Fears are the fever of
the mind. Always remember that this mind’s Fever
Evolves After Regular Shivers. This shivering will make even
the very confident to worry about the following:
a. ‘what if he/she is cheating on
me?’
b. ‘what if he/she finds somebody
else?’
c. ‘what if he/she gets bored of
waiting for me?’
d. ‘what if he/she is becoming
insecure?’
e. etc
Fear always drives
the devil’s vehicle of destruction. I dealt with this by always reassuring my
spouse and letting her know at every point in time that she has no competitor.
Taking it to another level, I also made sure that I introduced every female
friend I made while in my station (I got them to personally speak with my wife
on phone). And as a matter of principle, I cut off every relationship with
anyone that refused to speak with her (stand
to be corrected on this, but it worked for me). In addition to all this, I
always sent my spouse surprise ‘Love SMS’; vocally expressed how much I miss
her and discussed everything happening around me – the principle is ‘no
secrets’.
6. Misunderstanding: This is the failure
to understand something correctly which often results in a disagreement or
quarrels. Understand that more than 90% of your inability to comprehend your
partner’s words, thoughts, intentions or actions stems from Communications. So
make efforts to develop communication skills because they are very important in
overcoming the problem of misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding
stems from ineffective communication; ineffective communication stems from doubt;
while doubt in turn stems from fear. Doubt is
a feeling of uncertainty or a lack of conviction (a state between belief and
disbelief). This situation involves insecurity, distrust or a lack of
confidence in an alleged fact, a person, an action, a motive, or a decision.
It brings into
question some notion of a perceived "reality" and often may involve
delaying or rejecting relevant actions from its prey, out of concerns for
mistakes or faults or appropriateness. Doubt like HIV virus kills relationships
before you know it. Doubt is viral!
I overcame this by
convincing myself that distance does not ruin a relationship; doubt does. So I
dealt with doubt vigorously and avoided everyone that breeds it. Honesty,
sincerity, keeping an open mind, Christian virtues (patience, love, faith in God,
courage) etc were indispensable in overcoming the tests misunderstanding
brought in my distant marriage.
7. Time management: Time is the
greatest asset that God has given equally to all of us but how you manage it
depend whether it will give you happiness or sadness. Take your time to plan
the use of your time in order to create time to be with your spouse and
family. Optimize the use of your time
and put in extra hours at work if that will give you an extra day or week to be
with your spouse and family. Explore the option of working at home if your boss
can allow that. Plan very well so that nothing can stop your proposed visits to
be with your spouse.
For me, I would
rather work still 10 pm daily if that will guarantee that I will have the
weekends FREE to be with my spouse. Another critical aspect of this time
management is that you must learn to give your spouse undivided attention when
you travel to be with him/her (don’t allow
activities, friends, etc to contend for that time except with your spouse’s approval).
8. Sexual harassment: Sexual harassment
is defined as unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other
verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. These advances can manifest
everywhere and often the acceptance or refusal of it could be used as a basis
for either penalizing or rewarding the beneficiary. This is not to say that
spouses who are together cannot be sexually harassed but I am saying the incidence
of it is higher in distance marriages.
I know this because
of my personal experiences. In one occasion a young lady who sexually harassed
me said: “is it my fault that my spouse
left a handsome young man to stay alone without a woman to caress him …”.
I can hear most of
you asking: ‘And how did you deal with this?’ First I drew the battle line (avoided her like HIV, told my spouse the
details of the encounter without hiding anything, and made it known to everyone
who cared to know in the rendezvous point). My understanding that darkness gives
birth to sin informed this line of action.
If I had kept it to
myself, I may have considered the proposal but because I shouted it to everyone
she started avoiding me. My simple advice, ‘wisdom is needed in sharing these
experiences with others’; seek people who will understand you and who share the
same believes as you do (most probably
the centers of influence).
The goal here is for you to save
your marriage. I know you did not bargain for this as much as I did not but if
you are already in it please draw strength from this post and fight for your
marriage. If you are still planning to get into it, it will be important you
count the cost and know if you can handle this.
(To
be continued)
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