That Relationship Can Still Work Out (2)

By way of a reminder in “THAT RELATIONSHIP CAN STILL WORK OUT (1)”, we agreed that having a healthy and thriving relationship is possible and achievable.  I also set the stage going by explaining 3 of the principles for making the relationships work:
 i.   Make up your mind to be happy 
  ii.    Make Commitment a habit
iii.  Learn to humbly forgive and admit your faults as the case may be 

                 

In this second part of the series, I will continue by outlining 3 more principles for healing a relationship:

1.       Face The Facts:  From the word go, it will be important that you realize that all relationships will have their days of fighting, disagreements, sadness and happiness.  Facing the facts means that both parties to the relationship realize that ‘conflicts happen’ in relationships. And make up their minds to resolve the causes of these sadness, fighting, disagreements etc instead of fighting each other and leaving the causatives to deepen and tire apart the relationship. Decide to make the relationship work irrespective of the odds (be ready to make sacrifices).

This resolution is important because it helps you to focus and effectively manage the issues tending to tire away the relationship. Paying attention to this principle will help get through such trying times and come out of it with a better relationship (understanding for each other).

Another way to look at is that it will be important that you periodically ‘Review your expectations’ from any relationship you are in.

This is important for the following reasons:  

            (a)    To ensure you are improved by the relationship 

            (b)   To ensure that the other party to the relationship also is improved in the relationship

            (c)    It keeps all parties to the relationship focused on the essence of the relationship

            (d)   Redefine the basis for the relationship periodically

Reviewing your expectations in a relationship also means aligning your expectations from the other party to the relationship in line with:

-        His or her unique qualities (strengths)

-        His or her weaknesses

-        Opportunities or potentials open to him or her

-        Etc

Make sure that you balance your expectations along these lines.  If for any reason you find out that your expectations are leaning heavily towards only one of these lines, it means that you are working very hard to set the relationship on the path to destruction (and be sure that both parties will be victims).

To ensure fairness, I would advise that you always ask yourself “Has this relationship improved me or has it worsen me?”  If it has worsened you, the implication is that you need to seriously sit with the other party to the relationship and have a serious decision on the way forward. The golden rule here is that if: 
-        You are not getting value from the other party to the relationship or
-     The other party is not getting value from you. Then it is time to walk out of that relationship.

I pray this concept will not be misunderstood for selfishness (I do not want to be seen as giving people the excuse for fulfilling their personal interest). The basis for this assertion is the fact that relationship are for a mutual benefit and a conscious plan to improve the other parties to the relationship (refer to my other blogs on Guidelines for relationships, definition of relationship etc for more details).

2.    Be Objective All The Way: Objectivity has to do with a person and his judgement.  It is a situation in which a person’s judgements are not influenced by his feelings or opinions while considering and representing facts about a matter. So to be objective in another way could mean to always be fair in your analysis of situation; always pay attention to the golden rule of Matthew 7:12.

Being objective demands that you evolve into a good:

-       Listener: Employ this tool where listening is the tonic that will pacify the situation of the other party to the relationship. Listening to somebody - sometimes without doing anything - can be all they need to get through their trying times (so develop listening skills).

                                             i.            Listening helps to resolve differences without arguing

                                           ii.            It helps you to discover the other party to the relationship better
                     iii.     Positions you as a good friend, brother, sister, husband, wife etc (that is understand the personality of each other better)                        

                                         iv.            Makes you more relevant to each other

-        Counselor: Be the trusted counselor by always giving unbiased solutions to situations.   

It is important that you always remember here that: “Relationship is a character molding institution; so how you manage it determines how you will come out of it”. To this end, work very hard to avoid the negative principles of:

-        Payback time …

-        Let me show him or her my worth …

-        Feel the pains I had to go through …

3.      Let Fondness, Warmth And Friendliness Characterize Every Of Your Move: Do all you can positively to let the other parties to the relationship know that they are loved. I did not say you should make them feel loved rather I am saying infuse the consciousness of being loved into them.  The reason for this is because the feeling (of being loved) will go away when challenged by situations of life but the awareness sticks with the individual hence they always remember it.

You can achieve this by truly going out of your way to do something someone will be grateful for. Lend a helping hand with that assignment, take the initiative to cook that meal, get that gift, etc. Make it an aim to always be a symbol of positive surprises and a spring board of joy, laughter, happiness etc in that relationship. 

In marriage relationships, it is important that you understand the love language of your spouse because that will form the basis for reinforcing this consciousness.  So use those little acts of kindness and friendliness to take the relationship to the next level. Never leave the other party to any relationship guessing whether they are loved or not (that is a wrong situation to be in). And do not be afraid to engage your partner in intimate bodily affections.

4.    Be Trustworthy And Dependable: As far as I am concerned, trust is the pillar of every relationship.  When trust is betrayed, the relationship is lost.

Trust in relationships simply means “relying on your partner to do the right thing in all situations and you also doing the right thing in all situations”.  From this definition, it is obvious that trust begets dependability. This means that if you cannot be trusted, then you cannot be depended on. It is also important you realize that trust evolves over time but can unfortunately be lost through one careless mistake. That is the reason why you have to pay attention to safeguarding your trust in whatever relationship you find yourself in.

Below are some facts about trust as presented by Accolade Communications:

-      Trust = ability + benevolence + integrity (formula proposed by Mayer, Davis & Schoorman, 1995) 

-        Trust exist only in relationships 
-        Trust involves risk 
-        Trust always hopes for the best (positive ends) 
-        Trust involves benevolence (going beyond your needs to satisfy the parties to a relationship) 
-        Trust is freely given 
-        Trust is dynamic 
-        Trust begets trust (if you trust people, they naturally just trust you)   
-        Trust evolves over time

Pay attention to this, because you won’t know how painful it is until you lose the trust of a loved friend. Please work very hard to make sure that your relationships work because “That Relationship Can Still Work Out”.

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